Tuesday, 16 October 2001
11:59pm
ivid, vivid dreams. I have been having them nearly every day for the past few weeks. I don't know what it is, but I keep having them. Most of the time I haven't been remembering them, but I always wake up knowing I had one. Today I woke up kind of late, around 10am and I remember now that I had just woken up from a very vivid dream. But for whatever reason, I decided I wanted to sleep more and went back to sleep. The next time I woke up it was an hour later, and I had another very vivid dream in that time. This one I remembered.
 When I was in seventh grade, I had a crush on a girl named Korin. Of course, I know Zac is reading this and he is probably laughing, but anyway, I haven't had occasion to think about her at all since I finished high school, and I have no idea why she would pop up in any of my dreams today.
Anyway, in this dream I had, I was getting married to Korin. This wedding was extremely rushed (for reasons unknown to me)... so rushed that we never even had time to buy wedding rings for the ceremony, which was a small private affair held in the living room at my grandmother's old house.
Speaking of which, many of my dreams take place at the old house. I found out that a lot of my sister's dreams take place there too. It's just one of the few constant things there were in my childhood, I guess. My grandmother never moved out of that house until I was in college, so the entire time I was growing up, that house was there. Now back to the story...
For whatever reason, I was extremely distressed that there were no wedding rings. What the hell kind of wedding doesn't have rings? But everyone kept rushing me and apparently the ceremony had to go on, right at that moment. The actual ceremony part wasn't in my dream, so fast forward to the honeymoon (no this is not what you're thinking, you people with dirty minds!).
On our (apparently also very rushed) honeymoon, we went to, where else, Las Vegas. My friend Zac was also there, actually (and I hope to God he doesn't show up at my real honeymoon!!!), and the only thing I was thinking the whole time was, "Holy shit, I'm fuckin' married!".
Marriage is something that I've always felt wouldn't happen until I was much older (30's or 40's), if it happened at all. And during this dream I just couldn't believe I was married. I was thinking about how I'd be meeting people and saying, "Hi, my name is Bryan, and this is my wife"... the idea of this happening to me was completely unbelievable, and yet the same time, it felt kind of good. Like it was cool being able to tell people that I was married... for some reason.
We were down on Freemont Street down in Downtown Las Vegas, but the entire place was deserted. All of the hotels and casinos were closed down, the lights were turned off, and they were about to tear the place down. The only light came from the Freemont Street Experience canopy, which for whatever reason, was still operating. I don't know why we were there, or what we were doing there, but I do distinctly remembering thinking "Oh well, I guess Scott won't be visiting downtown". Scott, in real life, is in Las Vegas right now.
After I woke up, I felt like I was still inside my dream. I was still thinking "Holy shit, I'm married!?", and the idea was still appealing to me. I never fully got out of that dream-like state until I assured myself it didn't happen by looking Korin up on the internet. I found her site, and was reminded that indeed, (as I had suspected) she was already married. In fact, she's been married for four years now.
In trying to figure out what the significance of the images I saw were, I came to the conclusion that the identity of the actual person I married to was inconsequential. I told Cami my dream over dinner, and she suggested that maybe it was my subconscious trying to remind me that yes, deep down inside, I do want to get married. Even after all this time of me saying that I won't, or that I might not, or that if I did, it would be a long time from now...
Hell, every time a friend of mine gets married, I'm reminded that I can't even conceive of loving anybody enough to make lifelong commitment, 'til death do us part.
And even after all I've learned by watching movies like Casino and Blow (both based on true stories, I might add), that suggest that if you're life is going pretty good, and you are making piles and piles of cash and everything is going better than you possibly imagined... don't get married cuz that girl will steal your money, steal your kids, and ruin your life! Ok, I don't really believe that but anyway... but maybe Cami is right. Maybe I don't have as much of an aversion to marriage as I say or act like I do.
To which I might add -- I'm not afraid of commitment. I don't have a problem with commitment. Rather, I have a grave fear that the other party in that commitment will not hold up their end of the bargain. Yes, I am deathly afraid of divorce.
Anyway. I wonder what else is crawling around there in the back of my mind? Maybe I'll find out tomorrow morning when I wake up, probably after having another vivid dream.
Thursday, 18 October 2001
11:59pm
hat show on A&E tonight about Sesame Street was really great. So many great memories. I wanna be a kid again :(. And. I wanna go to Vegas really really really bad right now. Anyone else wanna come? Maybe next week or something? Hrm.
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